Looking back at the year
So much happened this year that it was hard not to feel crushed by the weight of it. Some of it belonged to the grand narrative of the times: the Shanghai lockdown, the Russia-Ukraine war, the assassination of Shinzo Abe, the deaths of Queen Elizabeth II and Jiang Zemin coming close together, the white paper protests. And then there were the smaller, more private frustrations that still managed to sting just as much: a once-great subordinate suddenly becoming impossible to work with until things fell apart, graduating without a ceremony, missing out on a promotion, and living through two rounds of mass layoffs in the first and second half of the year.
A sense of emptiness kept surfacing. When the world feels this bad, thinking too much can feel like a form of self-torment. Sometimes cynical surrender even seems easier, almost happier. But giving up resistance entirely also feels wrong. That tension never really resolved; it just carried me through the year.
What changed internally
One thing became clearer: I am anxious far more often than I like to admit. My body has been more honest about it than I have. On many nights, I wake up four or five times.
A lot of emotions I never properly processed did not actually disappear. They were just pushed down into the subconscious, like pressure building inside a sealed container. Sooner or later, something like that bursts.
I did try to change in one specific way: to be more proactive, and less afraid of rejection. That is still hard. The biggest obstacle is myself. Deep down, I know that in many situations, no one really cares as much as I think they do—except me.
What felt gained, what felt lacking
The clearest achievement was graduating smoothly. The clearest regret was that the thesis itself was not as good as I wanted it to be.
The happiest moment may have been receiving an unexpected sum of money. For a brief moment, it genuinely felt like early retirement might be just around the corner.
The lowest point came in the final minutes before my birthday ended. I felt overwhelmingly sad and cried for a while.
Strange moments, vivid memories
Nothing truly unbelievable happened, but a few things still felt oddly memorable. Being confessed to by a child I had only met twice was one of them. Helping my ex’s current partner look for an internship was another.
And then there was a night in July, back in Qingdao, when I drove up into the mountains at 2 a.m. with a new friend to look at the stars. We spent a long time circling along mountain roads before finally arriving at this:
Body, health, and the aftermath of exhaustion
Physically, the year was not kind. Sleep was poor, my body felt weak, and although I did try to exercise, getting COVID undid much of that progress. One concrete goal for 2023 is to get my heart checked properly.
Meals worth remembering
One of the most memorable meals of the year was hand-grabbed lamb in Yinchuan with my older sister and Miaomiao. It was the best lamb I have ever eaten in my life so far. I normally do not even like lamb, so it was surprising to discover it could be that tender and completely free of any gamey smell. I already want to go back with someone and eat it again.
Another memorable meal had less to do with the food alone and more to do with the warmth around it. I was with Teacher Ma, and a Taiwanese shop clerk greeted us with striking enthusiasm. There was something moving about receiving that kind of friendliness from a stranger, and I also got to try a wonderfully odd "island ration" I had never seen before.
New things learned
Because of a part-time job, I spent some time learning about Douyin e-commerce and even downloaded Xiaohongshu. It felt like opening a door into an entirely new world.
I also completed a CPR + AED training course and earned a small certification.
People, connection, and the role of chance
When I think about it carefully, I actually met quite a few new friends this year. The most interesting among them was probably Xiaolin. And now that I think about it, I believe I only met Tu Yuan in person for the first time this year as well. When we met in Beijing, we spent ages talking about crushes, and about her absolutely wild experience of buying a mom on Xianyu.
As for relationships between people, I increasingly feel they depend mostly on timing and fate. I used to think sincerity was the most important thing. Now I am less certain. Many outcomes have little to do with whether either person is good or genuine, and often not much to do with effort either.
Books, music, games, and travel
Among the year’s personal favorites, Final Fantasy XIV remained important, but Death Stranding also deserves a special mention as an outstanding game. For a song of the year recommendation, I would pick "Bones."
What comes next
There are a few things I want from the new year: take the IELTS, travel abroad, and study some psychology.
There is also a more personal hope: to have a serious relationship, and maybe finally break free of that familiar curse—if the other person likes me, I stop liking them, as if the enchantment has already been stripped away.
Why write at all
Writing used to be more directly tied to emotional release. As I get older, that impulse has weakened. My memory is worse than it used to be too; once the immediate feeling passes, sometimes I can no longer write anything at all.
Now writing feels more like a way to record, to leave behind a coordinate within time.
The pieces I liked most from my own work this year were People as Ordinary as Mothers and Lockdown Diary (III): How Can the Less Fortunate Live This Life Well? There is not one single piece I would call my worst, but I did write a lot of assignments just to fill word counts. I hope 2023 brings writing that comes from real thought.
A few harder questions
Intimate relationships matter. The reason is simple: love is an adventure in seeing things through to the end. Whether that process brings joy or pain, it remains fascinating enough to be worth it.
Most of my choices, apart from work, probably do not line up with mainstream expectations anyway. I do not have any grand insight about that. Life is ultimately something only you can measure for yourself. Still, there are moments when it feels intensely lonely.
And when life fails to go the way I want? I try to accept it, and digest it slowly on my own. That is just what life is like.