The saddest kind of defeat is being beaten by yourself.
For a long time, I believed I was strong. What I never noticed was how small I really was.
Lately, I have felt strangely unfamiliar to myself. There was a version of me that used to be simple, confident, full of energy. That person now seems to have faded almost completely.
At first, I refused to believe it. I still acted as if I were untouchable, still trusted in my own ability with absolute certainty. Looking back, it was all empty talk.
After arriving at school, something began to shift. Maybe it was the environment. Maybe it was the pressure. I became restless, irritated, unable to settle down. The arrogance I once wore so naturally started to crack after a few blows that seemed casual on the surface, yet landed deeper than I wanted to admit. Bit by bit, numbness replaced pride.
The truth was far less flattering than the image I had built of myself. I was not nearly as important as I had imagined. Once the elevated mask came off, what remained felt like a dry and decaying shell, hardly worth a glance.
I used to speak loudly about principles, as if I understood everything, as if I stood above everyone else. I dismissed people, looked down on everything around me, and carried myself as though I alone mattered. In the end, the one who deserved contempt was me. There is something almost theatrical about that reversal.
Maybe this is when a person is forced to understand something deeper: stop taking yourself so seriously.
Habit is a frightening thing. Even when you barely notice it, the moment it disappears, you are left disoriented. That confusion comes with discouragement, because no matter how unwilling you are, you still cannot control the direction things take. You are still as small as ever.
I lit a cigarette and sat on the balcony, watching everything that looked lively from a distance. Yet none of it had anything to do with me. No one would notice whether I was there or not. I took a long drag in the cool night air, and as the ash drifted away, the tip of the cigarette kept flickering stubbornly in the dark.
Later, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, I could not even tell what I was thinking. I just could not fall asleep. Why did I feel so defeated? Then, in the instant I turned over, a few thoughts flashed through me like lightning. For that brief moment, it felt as though I had finally found myself again.
After that, I drifted into a heavy sleep.
It turns out that recognizing your own heart can happen in a single instant.