Last Saturday to today—one full week. I had the chance to be part of the whole conference operation for the center director training camp. Preparation had begun back in June, three months of work, and now the road behind us feels vivid in every detail. I feel a strange emptiness. Physical tiredness can be slept off; the letdown in the heart takes much longer to disperse. Men are told not to cry easily, but grief has its own timing. Then it stopped—September 14, 2024—and stayed there, held in place, with reluctance.
At dinner with colleagues last night I kept thinking: if we meet again, when? The roads of the world are long. We wished each other well and said take care. I find myself drawn more and more to the white clouds drifting across the sky—natural, unhurried. Perhaps this is what people mean by idle clouds and wild cranes. Everyone carries some wish to leave the world behind. Watching clouds, I think of old immortals in the sky; now cloud, now rain, now snow, now something else. Drifting, making home everywhere, solitary, while youth slips past. Under the bright mid-autumn moon, wine in hand, ask the blue sky: in the palaces above, what year is it tonight?
This morning I took a photo by the hotel elevator—light and shadow passing, all of it sketched too quickly. During these days, whenever I had time, I listened to a few minutes of the teachers' lectures. Bits and pieces, but the great way is simple. Much of the time we should not stay on the surface. We need to settle down and think about the logic underneath: the Dao produces one, one produces two, two produces three, three produces the ten thousand things. Whenever I feel out of energy, maybe I am tired and need a long sleep. Maybe more than that, we need to stand somewhere with light so we can see the light and become the person we want to be. The road is walked by oneself.
In one week, the little cuttings have started to grow. I had worried they would wither, but they are doing surprisingly well. Looking at them brings a clean, bright feeling. Often we should not mistake the road ahead for a dead end, nor let the past become a knot in the heart. Be a little more free, a little more confident. Notice the thoughts; notice the emotions rising—but do not let them lead us by the nose. When a thought arises, notice it; once noticed, do not follow it. The fear is not that thoughts arise, but that awareness comes too late. Knowing contentment keeps one from disgrace; knowing when to stop keeps one from danger. That is how one lasts.
Return to the simplest original intention. Sit in the emptiest place and let the world's noise make its own racket. We only wish to hold a quiet joy, to see the world with a clear mind and live with a glad heart.
At 07:41 on September 15, 2024, I woke. After sleeping, my energy was much better, my state much improved. From last night until now there has been lightning, thunder, and rain—a loud washing away of the world's clutter. Everything seems lighter. Gladly, I will set out again. Probably because of the downpour, the home network went down. I connected to my phone's hotspot and could still get online. There are always more methods than difficulties. Often, when mountains and rivers seem to block the way, willows and flowers appear in another village. Keep going, kid.
